Why comparing your student or even your own child to others is that bad?

As a future teacher currently studying at university, I have been taught by my tutors that one of the most harmful things we can do as educators or parents is to compare children with others. This lesson has stayed with me, forming part of the foundation I aim to carry into my future classroom. I understand that each child is not only a unique person but also a unique learner, with their own pace, style, and potential. However, I have recently witnessed a painful situation that reminded me why this principle is so important to uphold. One of my younger cousins experienced something deeply hurtful: her own mother, who is also a teacher, told her, "I wish you were like this other person." This single sentence caused my cousin to break down in tears. What’s worse is that this was not an isolated moment of frustration it was followed by another phrase that has haunted her since last year: "You're not the daughter I would like to have." Hearing this from someone who is supposed to offer unconditional love and support has left a scar that continues to affect her self-esteem and emotional well-being. This experience made me reflect even more on the damage comparisons can cause not just in the moment, but long into the future. In this essay, I will explore the emotional and psychological consequences of comparing children, drawing on both my academic formation and personal experience. I hope to raise awareness among teachers and parents alike, encouraging them to see and support children for who they are, and not who they are not.

Comparing children to others can deeply harm their mental health. It can create feelings of sadness, anxiety, and insecurity. Children may begin to believe that they are not good enough, no matter how hard they try. This can lead to low self-esteem and even depression in some cases. In the long run, they may stop expressing their true selves because they feel they must live up to someone else’s standards. Many children end up wearing a “mask” just to please their parents or teachers. They copy the behavior, grades, or personality of the so-called “perfect” student—not because it feels natural, but because they want to be accepted. Sadly, this can leave them feeling lost later in life. Since they were never encouraged to explore their own identity, strengths, and weaknesses, they grow up not knowing who they truly are.

Instead of comparing, teachers and parents should take time to build a real relationship with each child. It’s never too late to start. One simple and powerful way is to create a regular “advice time” or have small conversations where the child feels safe to talk. These moments can help build trust and show children that they are valued just as they are. Children open up more when they feel supported, not judged. As adults, it’s important to listen, encourage, and help them grow based on their individual needs. Our job is not to mold children into someone else’s image, but to help them discover and develop their own.

In conclusion, comparing children to others is not only unfair—it is harmful. If you are a teacher or a parent who has done this before, it’s not too late to stop. Recognizing the damage and choosing to change is already a brave and meaningful step. And if you have never done it, keep going. Continue to support your child or student with love, patience, and understanding. Children are not meant to follow a “standard” path or personality. They are meant to grow, explore, and find their own way. Our role is to guide them, not pressure them. So, let’s stop comparing, and start supporting. Let’s help them be the best version of themselves—not a copy of someone else.

Remember what the scripture says “Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.” Galatians 6:4‑5